I had someone tell me once that due to certain aspects about myself, and quite literally how the stars were aligned when I was born, I was one of the very few in the world that has a soul mate.
Do I believe it? Well, if I'm being honest, I sort of like believing that my true partner is somewhere out there waiting just for me. I think we all want to believe that some magic exists in the world. Especially for mushy, fairy-tale loving saps like myself. However, as someone that's totally intrigued by astrology for purposes of self-discovery, I'm also definitely a bit of a realist.
Everything in this life, only presents itself as we create the opportunity for it to do so. The same applies to love. In other words, if a soulmate exists, he won't be beating down my door announcing himself. That means, the only way anyone is going to find their person, is by putting themselves out there. Sure, there are a very small percentage that meet their person by chance, but those are few and far between. Even then, relationships take work. So put on your big kid panties, and get ready to weed through a whole bunch of awkward dates, and a couple broken hearts.
I'm single, I've dated, and I've been married. I have single friends both male and female. By our age (30's+), we've all had our fair share of relationship experience.
Here's what I think, when people get frustrated or bitter about dating and the opposite sex.
For Pete's sake. please love yourself before you go on the prowl. If you don't, when you meet someone who could be great for you, you're not going to be in the right mental or emotional space to attract them, or build something healthy. Mind you, there's always exceptions to the rule. When I say love yourself, I mean find your independence. Know who you are, without relying on others. If you can't sit at home in silence to yourself, and just enjoy being you...you're not there.
Learn self-awareness, and a desire for personal growth. None of us are perfect, nor will we ever be. We all have things we can improve of ourselves like selflessness, patience, kindness, etc. Learn from past mistakes, and if you can, the mistakes of others. I think the largest hindrance we put on ourselves when dating, is becoming discouraged or insecure from failed relationships and therefore projecting it on new people in our life. No one deserves to pay for the wrong doings of others. Then, the only thing that will follow is an unrealistic idea that you concoct in your mind of what we think we need, or that we need to be looking for. Truth, I think too many of us make it a shit ton more complicated than it needs to be.
Pain & Damage
I'm just going to call out women here. Sorry, yell at me for it later. You can argue with me about it, but men and women really do think differently. Women have a habit of wearing their heartache on their sleeve like a badge of armor. "My ex cheated on me, so I'm going to psycho-analyze the hell out of all the guys in the future". Guess what? Not all men are the same, and they're so much more simple than women think. We over-analyze and over-think in protection mode, and literally push men away. If I'm honest, I don't know many men that even have the energy to intentionally lead women on for self-gain. The ones that do, you can spot a mile away, and they have reputations that proceed them. If those red flags aren't screaming at you, you probably shouldn't be dating. I will say as a woman, I've met a man or two that had been hurt and wanted every woman in the future to pay for it. There literally isn't a bigger turn off. Men and women equally appreciate confidence, so own it.
I do think that at the right moment, after you've gotten to know someone a little bit, sharing your past relationship experiences is healthy. The reason being, though you may be entirely healed from an experience of heartbreak, no one is fully resilient to matters of the heart. When you find someone that really cares about you, they'll make the effort to make you feel safe and loved. Use the past to help you spot red flags, but know that no amount of preventative investigating will stop someone from hurting you. It's also important to know, male or female, that the only person responsible for healing you, IS YOU. Your self-worth, is not given to you by others. It's discovered and maintained by no one but yourself. If you're seeking for validation from others in order to be happy, you have self-work to do. When you don't love yourself, you can't love someone else. If someone cares so little about you, they're going to hurt you regardless. Always go into dating a new person, with a new hopeful outlook.
Unrealistic Expectations
Here's another area that you can't let your past experiences dominate the future negatively. You need to allow them to guide you and so you can set healthy check-boxes. For example, in one of my serious relationships an ex made less money than I did. He ended up relying fully on me for financial support while he gallivanted about in entrepreneurial ventures squandering away the money I had earned. He even asked for alimony in the end. For years afterwards, I created this unrealistic expectation that any men I dated in the future had to make more than I did. I based it solely off negative circumstances with my ex. The two aren't even equal! How much a man makes has no reflection on how smart he is with it. Instead, I should have used that experience to identify whether or not someone I'm getting to know, is driven in their career, and understands the importance of financial stability...and is actively working towards both.
When you're identifying what you want in your partner, be realistic. Any expectations you're going to place on the person you date, you likely need to place on yourself. In other words, if you expect someone to be physically fit and outgoing. You bet your butt, you should try to be as well. Of course, opposites can attract and there's always exceptions to the rule. However, What you expect of others, they likely want from you as well.
Living in the Moment
Have fun dating. It's exciting to meet people, and learn about them. Don't go into a date with expectations. Anything that's supposed to happen, any opportunity of chemistry or connection will happen naturally. As time progresses, just be yourself. Don't be what you think the person is looking for, because at some point all facades end. That includes any show that the other person is putting on. When you allow things to be organic, you're giving yourself and the other person the best chance to see if there's the potential for more. If it doesn't work out, you've made a connection that could even turn into a friend. Find the positive in every situation regardless of outcome. You'll be a lot happier!
You've got control GF
Women are really good at reading between the lines, even when no lines exist. LOL. We think so intrinsically, that we think men do too. Stop chasing men. Show interest, if he is interested back he'll reciprocate. If he doesn't, shrug it off and move on sister. This is where self love comes into play. You shouldn't be discouraged by not having found the right person yet. You are complete on your own. Focus on your hobbies, personal growth, family, friends, and everything else that gives us fulfillment in life. Have the security in knowing that if you're being the best version of yourself, and equally genuine, what's meant to be will be. I have so many girlfriends in their 30's and 40's for example, that are so intimidated by younger women, and critical of their own self-image. If you're talking to a man and he wants to chase a 22 year old, girl you just dodged a bullet. As far as your self-image, I've yet to meet a man OR woman that's perfect. Know what you're OK with, and what you're not. Embrace what makes you unique, and quite literally change what you're not happy with.
Chemistry, Lust, and Oxytocin
Whoever said that sexual attraction isn't important, needs a swift kick to the butt. How else does someone even catch your eye!? While every person differs in what they consider attractive, there has to be something about the person that gives you that stir feeling of butterflies. Men and women alike, don't settle. Also, don't stay in a situation that's not healthy. In other words, if you're already worrying that the person you're dating will end things, it's probably going to end. The longer you hang onto something that doesn't have a future, the longer you delay finding someone that really is going to be your best friend.
I live for the spark. Give me chemistry and butterflies, and I'm on cloud nine. Men that get my attention, I've already probably daydreamed of them pressing me up against the wall. Surely, my love language being primarily physical touch is probably to blame a little ;) The reason I share this, is that it's healthy to have passion. For those that enjoy and want it anyways. Here's the important part. Know the difference between chemistry and connection, and lust for the oxytocin that's released in intimate moments. Stop going back to exes that hold you back. Stop dating people because you're lonely. You're doing more damage than good.
Sorry for my dating rant...by no means am I an expert. Every day I feel like I learn something new about myself. Being that I have a lot of single friends, I hear the same things over and over again. I read a quote once, that was a huge "ah-ha" moment for me.
"The universe will continue to give you the same challenges, until you have learned your lesson or finally grow from that experience". #reallife
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