Something wakes me. I roll over and look at my phone, 4:26.
You’ve got to be kidding me. Earthquakes and a virus, my anxiety’s kicking my ass...don’t ask me to admit it because I won’t.
Virtual cheer classes, homeschooling, working from home, and efforts of outside explorations to maintain sanity and honestly...to work off that entire sleeve of Oreos I ate. Don’t judge me.
The distant streetlight peeks through my blinds, creating patterns of shadow light across my ceiling. I close my eyes tightly in desperately, a futile attempt to chase the quickly dissipating feeling of pleasant slumber...
Yup, not happening. At this point I just growl into my covers, curling my body into the fetal position in unseen protest.
Now what?
My mind scrambles over the last few weeks, thoughts of things I need to do this week already gnawing at my mind. For whatever reason, my mind skips to an image of a post I had seen recently, talking about how we should be using our forced solitude as an opportunity to focus on our healing.
I feel another growl threatening, scratching at the back of my throat. Ok, ok...I’m thinking to myself. What’s next?
Authenticity.
Can I be honest here? This is such a popular trend right now, “being authentic”. I call it a "trend", because I feel like it's more like a badge of honor that's verbally spatted, than something that's really practiced. Recalling, I was on a date not too long ago, and the guy was boasting about how authentic he was. As he shoved dinner in his mouth licking sauce from his fingers, purposely flexing his muscles when I looked his way, and bragged about his money. If this is authenticity I’m, fuc*ing, out. "Authentically in love with himself".
I like to learn through the example of others, or at least find my initial inspiration to begin through them. However, my normal means of learning to be authentic, simply wasn’t working out that way for me. It didn’t help me by seeing others be authentic for some reason. Perhaps the only thing resonating with me in that particular regard, was noticing those that were recklessly and beautifully, silly and happy. Somehow in my mind when I saw others being that way, it was if they were being their childlike selves. It made me think of a child just loving life...and children are by far the most authentic creatures. Their innocence not yet tainted by the mass experiences of life.
Cause and effect, action and result...I dwell in my thoughts and pursuit of these far too much, and it makes me forget to be authentic. I know more oft, I just need to LET GO. For me, it's far easier said than done. Especially when I lust so favorably of control.I guess I can give myself some minimal credit, as the first step is realization. Right? I need a genie to snap their fingers so I can be to the finish line already.
If you could see my face right now, you could a slyly smug grin slowly dragging itself across the corners of my lips. There I go again, impatient. Needing control. For Christ sake, just get me there already...
I think my favorite quote, the most easily comprehensible definition of “authenticity”, I heard from Brene Brown. It was in her book “The Power Vulnerability”.
She said, unquote...
"Authenticity has a lot of properties to it :
A daily practice of letting go of who we think were supposed to be, and embracing who we are
Choosing authenticity means choosing the courage to be imperfect
Setting boundaries
Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable
Nurturing connection and sense of belonging that only happens when we know we’re enough, even when we’re wrestling with the fear of not being good enough, especially when the joy is so intense we’re afraid to feel it
It’s easier to be who people want you to be
You’re going to piss people off when you start saying "no"
It’s an interesting thing, learning to be authentic. The path to get there for everyone is different, and the art of becoming or being authentic undoubtedly means something different to everyone. Everyone is learning what that means to them personally, because the meaning and desire to be authentic can be vastly uncharted territory.
Adilyn sees the authentic me. She’s the only one. Everyone else gets Amanda 2.0, the version where I let the rest of the world get bits and pieces as I deem fit or comfortable. It’s not that I mean to be that way, but I think with her I don’t feel the need to be guarded. I don’t have to question my actions, because everything about being her mother simply means being the best version of myself.
So, with her, it’s chugging soda and seeing who can burp the loudest....it’s leaving the grocery store and wildly racing to the car because “last one's a rotten egg”, it’s meowing as loudly as you can from the shower just to be obnoxious, it’s singing as loudly as we can to every one of our favorite songs while ugly dancing, it’s letting tears stream untouched down our cheeks to every sad part in a movie, it’s openly admitting in an unfiltered fashion when we've hurt each other’s feelings...
In this moment wrapped up in my covers and ignoring the sun that's now rising, my initial feeling is to be annoyed with myself. If it’s so easy with her, why is it so hard with the rest of the world. I’m like Mrs. Doubtfire, drunk off her a** giving Pierce Brosnan the Heimlich and half her mask comes off...
Yup. That’s my analogy, soak it in. Meaningful.
P.S. I'm still wriggled amidst my covers, soaking in the pure pleasure of still laying in bed. Watching the minutes tick by on my phone screen, I keep thinking that I need to get my half-dressed self downstairs to my laptop to start work. Only plus to working from home? I definitely don’t wear any pants. I loathe Monday’s.
So how do I rip off the rest of my mask. Permanently. Maybe I start looking at my insecurities. The main ones. What are they, and why do they exist? If I start to dissect them, really understanding them, then somehow I’m starting on the path of learning myself, and then I can begin to show up as myself, to the rest of the world.
I hate my breasts. Yup, how’s that for TMI? I’m two boob jobs in, and I want a third. If this sounds materialistic to you, it’s because it is. I want to love myself naked. Like, just climbed out of the shower, soaking wet, looking in the mirror love myself. For whatever reason, perfect breasts matter to me. Mind you, this isn’t something I show to the world, so if you’re struggling to understand why I’m sharing this as an insecurity...
Here’s why, it’s literally one of my biggest insecurities. In intimacy, shirts I wear, and moments of solitude as I catch a side glance in the mirror as I dress, I feel shame. Self-projected by my own unrealistic standards. Sure, I get it.
Just listen, Linda.
So, let's see how well I dissect this insecurity. I outwardly portray a false physical perfection intentionally. Due to my own creation of what perfection is, and then I needlessly strive for it, not because of my own self-worth I think I deserve, but because of a non-existent, nonsensical expectation I've placed on myself that I need to be for the rest of the world.
So how does that relate to any, and every other way I’m not being fully authentic to those in my life aside from Adilyn?
Because to the world, I’m painting a false image, of who I think the world wants me to be. In far too many ways. I’m afraid to be myself, because I’m afraid of getting hurt. I’m afraid of not being loved, I’m afraid of not being accepted. I’m afraid of failing. It’s a seriously uncomfortable skin to wear.
I have to change the habit of hiding myself, a path I’ve walked for so many years. It's seriously so hard. It's like I'm breaking everything in my mind and soul, and rebuilding it with new parts. I must begin to let down my guard naturally, find the courage to speak up when something's bothering me instead of swallowing it, and hiding it in my core. To start by owning my personal actions and words, and realize I can’t control the actions of others. Ever.
The other day, someone I’ve come to care about and be grateful that they've come into my life said, “wouldn’t you rather have quality over quantity”? He’s right, and while I hadn't forgotten it, I wasn't staying continuously aware of it. The reality is, you can either live each day exhausting yourself by trying to be what the world thinks you should be, to avoid hurt, feel accepted, etc. only to realize the cruel fact that you’re still going to get hurt, you’re still going to make mistakes, and not everyone is going to accept and love you.
At least if you’re authentic, when something happens, you know that you showed up as yourself. The best version of you. We’re all human, we’re flawed, all desiring love, happiness, and none of us have the answer. When we fail as our authentic self, you can look at that failure with less to decode, and less over-thinking that would likely follow. When you can understand your true nature in the situation, you can more easily identify where it is that you miss-stepped.
When you get hurt as your authentic self, you can look at that hurt, and although you may not be able to understand another’s actions as to why they hurt you, you can better understand how that hurt made you feel, how you’re going to allow it to effect you both short & long term, how you’re going to show up afterwards, and if you’re going to allow that same hurt in the future.
As far as being accepted and loved... there is no alternate, filtered, or falsely manufactured version of yourself that will be accepted and loved by all. So why try? There will always be someone who will judge you, not see your worth, think differently than you, disagree with you, be on a different path than you, abandon you, fail to show up when you need them most, etc.
By showing the world YOU, the universe, God, life...will you bring into your life that which should be. Whether they’re meant to be in your life forever, or just show up for as long as they’re supposed to. Our power to impact others, have a life of quality, have and give pure love, can only be done if you’re true to yourself, and allowing yourself to be so to others.
Much love.
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